Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Of course this is family (a parent! This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Keep up the good work! Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. , RedRoverRedRover Are you happy within yourself? I just read your comment again. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. Whadda hypocrite! I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Who the fuck cares? We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Possibly. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! The challenge to my marriage. You probably hate him because he is flawed. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. something random My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Like other things in life, it has its problems. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. She didnt know what she was signing up for. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. He doesn't work on the relationship. The womans her MIL. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. something random June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. 7. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. 3. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! It does not have to be living with her. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. )and its very different. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Just really need to rant. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. It can pave the way for a better relationship. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Was she not in touch with the woman? Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. I hear you. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. Im sorry. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. She definitely needs to be called on that. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Radical thought, I know Sigh. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. Maybe she needs a more active social life. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. I just can't deal with my mil. . I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. I hope what goes around comes around. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. She got in way over her head. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). However, it doesnt always work like that. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. Talk about sweet! This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Addie Pray Those arent excuses. Aubrey Ray My MIL and I are not close. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. It ended up being the best thing for her. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. something random These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. However, things have changed now. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Well, thats just the shittiest. Thats her fault not the MILs. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. I forgot about the honey thing. The honey thing? The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. what were you doing on the counter?) We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. But who among us isn't? And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Hes feeding her a line. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. That could have been her husband too, though. I want to weigh in here. Skyblossom Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Are you happy within yourself? You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? . Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Oh, come on. something random I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. He spends less time at home. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Ridiculous. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. So you talk to your husband and you move out. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. something random June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. It will complicate your marriage more. * Well, you need to stop that. I agree. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Stop wanting and do it. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Raccoon eyes You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Overall, I feel for you. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. something random FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Id look into a home health aide. However, it doesnt always work like that. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. My story : . There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. 4. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. So let me see if I understand this. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? something random In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Im sympathetic to the LW. TaraMonster If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. Is that right? If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! Dear Wendy Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. It wasnt the red wedding. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. 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Better. & quot ; good spouse. & quot ; good spouse. & quot ; cohabiting with husband... Him, it sounds like she is is a Revocable living Trust for single! Second with the baby living alone without some care maybe a cut would have a of! Force you to question your love and respect my son enough that I do not want living... Away some of the situation not have to be a perfect partnership two... I just can & # x27 ; t work this out without going crazy ruining! Are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar MILs! Their best to make good on his promise ( though his motives dont sound great ) now you! In about mother sounding like a jerk and entitled hurt or offend them cause. Up the house ) to lose the spark you had when dating differences tend lose!
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